My mother has stopped trying. She no longer calls me to see how her grandchildren are doing. She doesn’t pick out a cute dress and matching socks at the flea market. It took my mother six weeks to come over and hold her second grandchild for the first time. She is busy. She’s busy holding it together during the day and listening for clues at night.
When the sun comes up my mother begins her work. She buffs, polishes, and strings gorgeous necklaces, earnings and bracelets fit for the Oscars. She loads them into her van and drives up to West Tisbury or down to Oak Bluffs to sell her jewelry at craft fairs. The way she greets people who come to her booth sounds the way it did when I was seven and pouting under the display table at the Grange instead of at the beach with my friends. “Hello, it’s all hand-crafted on the Vineyard. All real sterling and 14K gold. All real gemstones.” It’s a soft, bouncing spiel that hasn’t change in twenty-five years. There is just a hint of detachment, now, in the words now. I don’t know if it’s coming from her or from me.
At the end of the day she breaks down her booth and packs it all back into the van. Her back aches from the three car accidents she’s had in the past five years. She stops and sits half way through sometimes to organize her thoughts and regulate her breathing. It’s been almost a year since her TIA. When she gets home to the house that is not hers, to her parents house, she doesn’t seek them out. She doesn’t want to greet them or to talk about her day. She only wants to shower and to sleep off the exhaustion of holding it together for another day.
She rinses off the up-island dust thrown around by tourists’ tires as they enter and exist the fair near her booth. She remembers the people who entered her booth and the storyline of her life. The man with his hands in his pockets; he had something to hide. The woman who wiped her nose; a sign that something doesn’t smell right. The couple talking about Cambridge and then waving to a figure across the field; letting my mother know the game isn’t over. As the laser vibrations begin to target her heart and her head at the same time it becomes too much for her. She needs to lay down. She needs to sleep away the stress of this continuing saga. The plan to take away her youngest child and her reputation. But for what? “I wasn’t part of it.” she mumbles quietly enough to not disturb her elderly mother in the next room. “I didn’t know they were going to fly those plains into the towers. Stop punishing me. It isn’t fair.” And she lays her head down to drown out the pain of a daughter who hasn’t returned her calls in two months.
At 3am the whispering wakes her. Just like it does every night. Sometimes it starts a little earlier. They tell her about the past. They explain the plot. They give my mother paths to pursue to find the truth. “Ask Saundra about Carlo’s connection to electronic vibration mind manipulation at the NSA.”
“The post-master knows your number.”
“Two taps means no. Three taps means yes. Listen to the tree limbs on your window. They are telling you the truth.”
And on, and on, and on they tell her what to look out for, what to ask, who she can trust and who she can’t. Then the sun comes up, casting shadows on the whispers. It’s time to go to work and start another day.